trust and deceit

After recent events, I began to ponder on the idea of how important trust is in a relationship. It is by far one of the necessary foundations of success that allows growth. Trust is what makes you feel safe and allows you to begin to open up. It is something that forms out of positive actions and faithful occurrences.
But the point is, it grows. It is not convinced, and especially not convinced to make the other party feel they should want to be a part of the relationship.

I know for myself there have been several times I have been in situations where the other side of the relationship felt a need to force a feeling of trust; a forced assurance if you will, and early on for that matter.

When these instances occurred, deep down, in the pit of my gut, that little voice began to whisper.
I did not listen.

Perhaps I wanted to humor the situation. Again.
Perhaps I wanted to see how far one would go to convince me it was a good idea, that I needed to change, or even better to convince me that I needed them.

So it came. And it went; the other individual that is.
The little voice never left. The little voice was whispering the fine line of forced trust and deceit. Deceit is making someone believe something that is not true. Deceit is lying.

I did not cry this time. I only looked back with an ounce of remorse and vanity and grinned.

I walked out in the open air and I listened to the little voice, my soul, as it reminded me who I am and all I have accomplished, where I have been and where it is I am going. It reminded me what I knew all along, that I do not need someone there to feel good about me.

At the end of the day you have to trust yourself.
Trust yourself to go with your gut.
Trust yourself to have faith in you.
Trust yourself to always always remember, you decide who and what makes you feel what way.
Trust that if someone feels the need to make you feel as though you need them,

Their insecurity is at play to bring you down in any way.
Their own troubles invite your doubt for fear that you can live without.
But live without is what you prefer, for its honor in life you deserve.

New Year…New Life?

As I have been soaking in all the hype about yet another year beginning, I have to admit I have been in the zone to make resolutions and goals, better myself, grow my relationships, and to further my career. I have been very intuned with it as well making checklists each day and following through. However, as I smugly checked another accomplishment off my today to do list of the new year, I could not help but wonder… why do we need a new year to have a new life?
Why can’t we have a new week each week and fist pump up the enthusiasm with the endless possibilities?
Why can’t we make a reason to meet up and celebrate all the potential changes life has to offer?
Why can’t we eat blackeyed peas everyday? …ok that one we can throw out
But in all seriousness, why don’t we start giving ourselves a reason to celebrate life versus giving a date a reason for us to celebrate?

Carpe Diem y’all
© Jennifer Lee Dethloff

Knowing Love

www.DETHLOFFDESIGNS.COM

When the nights are lonely, and the breaths are low,
When the world spins fast, and one does not know.

When down is up and up is down,
when your common acquaintance has become a frown.

When sunlight makes you yearn for shade,
and thoughts a thickened path to wade.

Know that love is lingering, always by,
It may seem confident, disguised, or shy.

Know it stays, it never goes,
Reach inside and above though low.

Know that love prevails even when felt lost,
and believe in love no matter what the cost.

Believe in love, be it self or faith,
Believe and breathe, it is worth the wait.

© Jennifer Lee Dethloff 2010

A Hand

A hand that reaches at first light for anything that looks new.
A hand that becomes more cautious after being burned a time or two.
A hand that trembles and sweats the first time it touches the opposite sex.
A hand that unjustly learns a slap as a natural reflex.
A hand that helps another hand begin an innocent life.
A hand that slowly lets go, leaving pain, joy, and strife.

© Jennifer Lee Dethloff 2007

Feeling Time

It is nice out at the park this evening. The trees leaves create a canopy that begins to spin slowly if you stare long enough upward. The crickets just started singing as if in unison to welcome the still distant but inevitable sunset. The days are long this time of year. I wonder if the crickets comprehend time or if it is just a feeling that surges over the population to commence. If I was blind I wonder if I could tell when it was growing dark. I wonder if I could feel dusk. Would I even care to know? or would I only care to feel…

I never promised you a rose garden?

I began to think upon the phrase “I never promised you a rose garden” and its insinuation towards the idea that in a relationship, one is stating that I never promised you that it was going to be perfect. I began to wonder… maybe it is a rose garden that we are promising after all, and in any relationship for that matter.

As I thought of the aspects of a rose garden and the aspects of relationships, I began to see more similarities than differences.

Growth must occur to find who we are and what we are and to thus accept others in their truest form.
Beauty can be found in both tangible and intangible aspects as growth evelops, wilts, and fades to the beauty of laughter lines and misty eyes of a delicate dried decomposing memory.
Thorns are invasive to prick your soul in times of confusion and conflict.
And change. Change is inevitable.

So maybe we do promise rose gardens. They just happen to be more realistic in time.

so I said I just want to be pretty

I look in the mirror and see a wrinkle. I look at my nail and see a chip. I look at my shirt and see a stain. I look at my knee and see a bruise.

Oh but what is to really see? for first we must truly believe, that imperfections make our life worth breath, so let’s make this an honest quest.

I look at the wrinkle on my face and see the time a best friend was there to help me laugh to the point of joyful tears as they held my hand.
I look at the chip on my nail and remember how I hit it on an elderly gentleman’s mailbox as I was getting the mail for him because he could not get up, and I see the gratitude in his eyes.
I look at the stain on my shirt and see the sandwich my mom surprised me with and feel blessed that I have food to eat and such a caring parent.
I look at the bruise on my knee, well… not sure how it got there but I feel grateful that I can walk… sometimes

I will tell you want I do want

I dont want to ask the questions
because I dont want to believe the lies.
I dont want to feel dishonesty
and I dont want to learn to cry
I dont want to wake up restless
and I dont want to feel death’s pain
I dont want the flame to flicker
and I dont want to play the game.

Watch the wind blow and catch the energy,
into your soul and born you will be.

I do want to ask,
and I do believe the lies.
I do deserve the truth,
and I do let weakness cry.
I do want to wake up content.
I do know of death’s pain.
I do watch the flame flicker
I do see reflections the same.

But ask me what it is that i want to see?
Imaginary facts to an endless degree.

the artist’s way

I drink my wine,
Its breath of swine,
the game of life at stake.
I held my breath,
the world regressed,
my soul was up for takes.

It pushed. I cried.
It laughed. I sighed.
Its power must be bled.
I walk to fly.
Oh paradox sky.
Speak. hopeful soul be fed.

I paint to cleanse,
the voices within.
For a change in lifes array.
And then I sigh,
and perhaps I cry.
It is the artist’s way.

Jennifer Lee Dethloff 2/2010

Change

Sam Cooke sang it best when he sang, “Change is gonna come”.

Confronted with many things occuring in my own life recently, I began to think about change. But most of all I began to think of its main characteristic of inevitability.

If change is so synonomous with inevitability, why do we as humans often react to it with feelings of sadness or anger or fear?

I agree that these emotions are part of our intertwined nature as human beings.

However, how much more would we enjoy our lives if we embraced change? Whether if it is good or bad, it always seems better or worse at that very moment. So what if we take it in with a deep breath and exhale?

Recognize the inevitablity. Put blame, guilt, sadness, shame aside. Hold on to the joy that you find and find joy in the pain. After all, you do not have to hold on to the pain to hold on to the memories.